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A few years ago I heard Garrison Keillor tell the story of Florien and Myrtle Crepsbox, an older couple from a small farming town in northern Minnesota. For the most part, Florien and Myrtle never ventured very far from home. That is why it was so surprising to hear that they were making a daytrip to the booming metropolis of Minneapolis, something they would never ordinarily do!
It was the second Tuesday of February and it was unseasonable warm for that time of year in northern Minnesota. It was one of those winter thaws when the sun shined and the snow melted and it got people thinking about spring even though they knew that they shouldn’t. It is a trick to get us out, to get us leaning the wrong way, and then that big March or April or May, or early June blizzard comes along and teaches us a lesson that we have already learned too many times, but which we could learn again I suppose. It wasn’t really spring yet—it was more like spring painted on a brick wall—that when you reach in to pick the flowers you bust your knuckles. So, you want to be careful.
This type of weather affects people in funny ways and it affected Florien and Myrtle that week when they decided to drive to Minneapolis. They are no spring chickens, you know, in their late seventies, and Florien has that 1979 Chevy with 42,000 miles on it. He’s proud of that! And when you have a ‘79 Chevy with 42,000 miles on it, you don’t just drive off to Minneapolis any time you feel like it, otherwise pretty soon you would have about as much mileage on it as anybody else with a ‘79 Chevy. You would have to go buy a new one.
Myrtle’s Bump, Hair, and Blood (Proverbs 18:2)
But it was Myrtle’s idea! She’d been feeling like she had symptoms—symptoms that sounded a lot like symptoms she read about in a question and answer column in the health section of the newspaper. And so when she felt a bump on the back of her head that had not been there before and found some hair on her comb and some blood on her toothbrush, it made her nervous and she called down to a clinic in Minneapolis and made an appointment for a check-up. She could not go to a doctor up there around her own town because she’s been to all of them already and they all told her that there wasn’t anything wrong with her.
When she thought about how those local doctors just didn’t understand her condition, she couldn’t help but think about a Proverb from the Bible that she had just memorized that week—Proverbs 18:2—“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.” During the past few Sunday’s at St. Andrews Roman Catholic Church, the Old Testament lectionary readings came from the book of Proverbs. Father Nicolas recommended that the parish memorize some of them, and Myrtle was happy that she did! Proverbs 18:2 seemed prophetic about the arrogance of the medical doctors in her town. Surely, the doctors in the city would do more for her than just “air their own opinions.” And so they headed out for Minneapolis.
The Drive (Proverbs 18:12)
I don’t know if they ever tried to go down there before, but they did that day. They left early in the morning. The appointment wasn’t until noon, but they thought that it couldn’t hurt to be a couple of hours early. So, they went down the county road and onto the state highway and before long they were on the interstate. Two old people scared out of their wits—Myrtle sitting on the passenger side clutching her purse as if someone would snatch it from her, looking out through those big thick glasses; they made her eyes look like a lizard’s eyes—Florien driving carefully forty miles an hour with the right wheel up there on the shoulder just easing along as semi-trucks exploded by him. Swoosh! Swoosh! Swoosh! Twenty or thirty tons of semi going by them; Myrtle thinking about her symptoms and worrying if she might die; Florien thinking about a truck coming up their rear end and eliminating them from the earth right then and there.
When finally they got out of the range of their favorite radio station and their favorite morning show, the Rise & Shine show, and it faded away during their favorite part of the show, the Swap & Shop portion, they were just utterly lost. Scarred and silent! Usually Myrtle would narrate trips, reading from billboards and pointing out interesting livestock along the way, but this time she was just quiet. As the trucks swooshed by, Florien cleared his throat and said, “If it was up to me, I would just as soon turn around and go home.” Well, that was the wrong thing to say to her in the mood she was in. She was in the mood where she was expecting him to say something wrong, and for some time he had been working on a speech in case he would.
She said, “Sure, you would just rather go home wouldn’t you. You don’t care about me one bit, do you? You never did, you never will, so I don’t know why I should be surprised you don’t now! You don’t care if I live or die! You’d probably be happy if I just died and got out of your way, wouldn’t you? You’d just clap your hands if I’d die! I know, you wouldn’t care! You want to be free to go off and do whatever you want to do, don’t you?”
He sat and listened to it! A man who drives a ’79 Chevy with 42,000 miles on it is not waiting around to become a playboy, you know. He listened to her go on for a while. He, too, had been thinking about those proverbs he had read in the lectionary that week. He was surprised by how well he remembered Proverbs 18:12—“Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.” He was pretty sure that even though it said “a man’s heart” it applied to women too. He thought about quoting it to her, but wisdom prevailed and he thought better.
Finally, he said, “I would too care if you died.” She said, “Oh yeah, tell me, how much do you care?” Well, Florien isn’t very good with theoretical questions like that. He had to think about that for a while. So, she waited about five minutes and then said, “Well, I guess that about answers my question. You wouldn’t care one bit if I died. You wouldn’t miss me!” So, after all of this, it was too bad! It was too bad that about a half hour later, after stopping at a truck stop, he drove away without her in the car.
The Truck Stop (Proverbs 11:2)
It was Florien’s idea to stop! He thought some coffee might settle them down. So, they had a few cups and then the pie looked good. He had a big slab of banana cream and she had a hunk of lemon meringue. When the waitress set the piece of lemon pie down on Myrtle’s placemat, he thought to himself, “How appropriate, an old sourpuss like her would eating lemon pie?” But before he spoke the words, he thought of another proverb he had read in church. This time it was Proverbs 11:2—“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes honor.” Instead of putting his foot in his mouth, he decided that the banana cream would probably taste better, and so they ate their pie in silence.
When they had finished and got back to the car, he realized that he should probably use the restroom before they took off. After he went back inside, she decided that it would be wise to use the women’s lavatory. And while she was gone, he got back in the car, checked his side view mirror, and pulled out on to the highway. It may seem odd to you that he did not notice her missing from the front seat, but he had a lot on his mind and was thinking—which he does slowly so that he won’t have to do it again. He was busy thinking about how much he would miss her if she was gone and how lonely he would be lying alone at night in that big double bed without her.
And when he turned to tell her how much he would miss her and saw that she wasn’t there, you could have knocked him over with a stick. He took his foot off the accelerator and coasted to a stop. He didn’t think she would climb in the back seat, but he turned around and looked just in case. He didn’t think she could have jumped out. Couldn’t she? And then he remembered the truck stop! He had driven almost twenty miles.
Bolivia (Proverbs 9:9)
When he got off at the next exit to turn around, he noticed that he was not on the interstate anymore. The little ditch was missing from the middle of the road. He was on some other highway but he didn’t know which one. Nothing looked familiar to him; he had no idea where he was!
It was just about that time when he passed a sign that read, “Bolivia.” Bolivia! He didn’t know there was even a town in Minnesota named Bolivia. But sure enough, there it was—a post office, a red brick fire station, and a little country store. Since he had no idea how to get back to the interstate, he thought about going into the country store to ask for directions. Now you need to know that Florien Crepsbox is not the type of man who stops and asks for directions. If Myrtle had been with him and they had gotten lost, he would be too proud to admit he was lost, and he would drive around all afternoon until he would eventually get lucky, find his way home, and pretend he knew what he was doing. He always called that “the scenic route.” From your smiles, I can tell that some of you wives have been on that route before.
Well, just as Florien was thinking that this was no time for pride, another proverb popped into his mind. Proverbs 9:9—“Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.” At the moment he didn’t feel very wise, but he knew he was in need of some instruction. The man at the country store eventually got him straightened out, and two hours later he was back at the truck stop, but he couldn’t find Myrtle. He finally asked the waitress if she had seen his wife. She said, “Do mean the woman in the blue coat?” He couldn’t remember what color coat she was wearing. He couldn’t really remember how to describe her, except maybe as mad. “Oh her”, the waitress said, “Her son came and picked her up about an hour ago.” So, Karl was in on it now!
The Lutheran Show (Proverbs 15:33)
When he finally got back to his hometown, he stopped at the Side Track Tap before heading home. After all that he had been through and all that he was about to endure, he thought he owed himself a beer. But when the beer didn’t help him come up with a good explanation, he decided to just go home. He turned down his street and saw his little white house, the one with the green shudders, on the corner. He had every intention of going home, but when he saw Karl’s pick-up truck in the driveway, he kept on going. He couldn’t face both of them so he drove on down and parked on the gravel road that led to Roger Hedland’s hay field. He turned out his headlights and just sat there as he watched the sun set over the horizon.
He wondered what he would say if Roger Hedland came out and asked him what he was doing parked there. He figured he would tell Roger that he was parked there to listen to a radio show—a Lutheran show—so the old lady wouldn’t allow it in the house. Roger is Lutheran! He’d like that! He was listening to a radio show and it may well have been Lutheran. It certainly wasn’t the rosary.
The preacher on the radio was talking about sinners who had strayed from the path and a lot of it seemed to apply to him personally—about the path of righteousness being narrow and the broad road that leadeth to destruction. It seemed to recommend against driving on interstates. The preacher had been preaching about forgiveness, but Florien wondered how much this preacher really knew about forgiveness. He wondered if this preacher had ever left his wife at a truck stop. He doubted it!
And then a woman came on at the end of the sermon and began singing a sweet hymn “Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling, calling for you and for me. See by the portals he’s waiting and watching. Calling, O sinner come home! Come home! Come home! Ye who are weary come home!” The broadcast ended with a proverb. Proverbs 15:33—“The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor.” So, he humbled himself and went home; not only because of the hymn but also because the coffee and the beer were beginning to back up to the point of no return. And there are a lot of crazy things Florien might do, but taking a leak in another man’s field is not one of them.
The Kitchen (Proverbs 22:4)
As he turned on his headlights, he saw Karl’s truck turn down the street. He pulled into his driveway and parked the Chevy in the garage. He left the door up, just in case. When he stepped on to the porch and put his hand on the doorknob, he was thankful it was not locked. In all their years together, they never locked their doors, but he thought she might tonight.
When he opened the door he could smell supper cooking—fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and powder milk biscuits in the oven. And when he walked into the kitchen, he saw her standing there reading something. He didn’t know that it was Proverbs 22:4—“Humility and the fear of the Lord bring wealth and honor and life.” When she turned around and saw him, she dropped her Bible on the floor and came running, put her arms around him, and humbled herself by saying, “Oh, thank God! I was so worried! Oh, daddy, don’t ever leave me again. Oh, daddy, I’m so sorry that I said what I said to make you so angry. You know I didn’t mean it. Please don’t ever leave me like that again.”
He was going to tell her…that he hadn’t left her but that he’d forgotten her, until it began to dawn on him that in a way it would be better to leave someone and to be dumb out of passion than just to be dumb. And so he didn’t tell her!
(Proverbs 1:5)
They slept so close to each other in bed that night and when they woke up the next morning and were eating their scrambled eggs and toast, Myrtle felt better. The bump on the back of her head was gone, there was no more hair in her comb, and no more blood on her toothbrush. She asked him, “Do you think I ought to call down to that clinic and let them know I’m not coming?” He said, “No, I’m sure they know by now.”
As they sat there holding hands and reflecting on the meaning of wisdom, humility, and the previous day’s events, they reached across the table and picked up the bulletin from Sunday’s mass and read silently the verse that was printed on the back. Proverbs 1:5—“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.” They were both thinking the same thing, “After 76 years of life and 56 years of marriage, there is still so much to learn! Amen!